#HimToo?
Here’s a prediction: within the next few years, straight white men will organise into activist groups and start fighting for their rights. There’s already a whiff of it in the air. Articles that come out every time a rape allegation is made or a man is fired are usually about how he says he didn’t do anything, he says it was long ago, he’s being victimised, men and women used to be able to flirt you know, and why can’t he tell his side of the story?
Maybe he’s telling the truth. Maybe the woman who accused him is also telling the truth. Memory is a fickle thing. And sex is an intimate thing, there’s usually no one else around to witness it, it’s his word against hers. Historically his word has won, her word has been ignored.
And now the tables are beginning to turn. Probably not enough to merit white male rights activists, but enough to elicit some of the same language of oppression from this typically privileged segment.
Have you heard of #HimToo? Similar to #AllLivesMatter, used by people who are not the targeted, marginalised, oppressed group but who feel targeted, marginalised and oppressed by the fact that the targeted, marginalised, oppressed group are speaking up. A kind of, “I’ve got problems too, my life matters too”.
I’m going to say something unfashionable here: I think we should listen to them.
These hashtags and the feelings behind them spring up for a reason and I think that reason has a lot to do with how many activist movements appear to be fighting for (or against) one particular group of people, rather than a for better world for everyone. Although most of them are actually fighting for a better world for everyone, by trying to help those who have it worst off, the intention can easily get lost in simplified hashtags.
The word feminist is another example.
Sure, it’s called feminism out of respect for the battles fought by so many people for so many years, to get women equal rights and access to opportunities as men, but not everyone knows that. And it can sometimes seem that feminism is against men, because sometimes for women gets confused with against men.
I call myself a feminist but I also agree with the many young women in Denmark (overheard on the radio) who refuse to associate themselves with the word, because it automatically excludes men.
We need a new word, I think. Like egalitarian, or equalist. A word that makes sense for the new generation of feminists, egalitarians and equalists, who have a broader perspective—not only in terms of sex and gender but also sexual orientation, ethnicity, disability, age, everything.
Similarly, I think we ought to pay attention to the #HimToo’ers and the #AllLivesMatter’ers of this world—not because they’re “right”, but because sexism and all other shitty isms are very unlikely to disappear if we completely ignore a large chunk of the population and just label them as “bad”.
Before I knew what it was being used for, I actually thought #HimToo had a good ring to it. I thought it was about more men joining in the fight for gender equality, realising that it was their shit to solve just as much as women. Great, I thought, if 100% of the population were motivated to dismantle the system that is patriarchy, we might have a decent shot.
That’s what I think #HimToo should be about, if it should be about anything. Say there’s a news story about a rape and a murder of a woman (by a man). The story covers what happened to the woman and how difficult it is for women to go out alone at night, to wear short skirts, to basically do anything without living in constant fear.
Then egalitarians and equalists could leap into the comment thread and cry #HimToo! You forgot to mention him! You forgot to mention the man, the perpetrator, what he did to the woman, why he did it, how he grew up in a society, our society, that somehow made him think he could do what he did, and how the hell are we all going to fix that?!
Toppings this week are bountiful, and include lots of listening and reading homework. Bon appétit.
Optional toppings
🍌 Him Too (Will Winner, Casey James Salengo & Patrick Schroeder), on the How Cum podcast with Remi Kassimir, is where I first heard about the so-called #HimToo movement
💩 “Political Correctness” on the You’re Wrong About podcast digs into how that “language of oppression” has made its way into mainstream language
📘 En fandens mand (Danish) is a book by Anders Haahr Rasmussen about sexuality and desire in a post-#MeToo world, but you can also start with this fairly long excerpt from the book
👀 Young, Male and Anti-Feminist is a troubling article by Hannah Ewens about how young boys are targeted and radicalised online to hate women
🗽 More Than A Woman, a book by Caitlin Moran and, for the purposes of this topping, you are welcome to skip straight to the “What about men?” chapter
🥊 Men’s Violence Against Women with Dr. Jackon Katz on Jameela Jamils I Weigh podcast examines the language around sexism and makes a lot of good points
🍦 @beam_me_up_softboi on Instagram (click the pic below and swipe left, twice, for my favourite one)
Tusind tak to Vanilla fangirl Lucy for a couple of the above toppings. The rest of you, feel free send Vanilla-worthy books, podcasts, articles, social media accounts or other titbits that you’ve been consuming my way. Thoughts too. I love them!
— H. E.